http://westpsy.blogspot.com/2011/04/random-impulse-break-up-mostly-finished.html?zx=861263990edff21a
Even though I was slightly confused at some parts (this may just be a personal problem), I enjoyed all the suspense and gruesome-ness this story has to offer. I noticed at least once that the past and present tense were mixed together, like in the line "I told her I loved her and she responds by grinning." I thought maybe the guy told the girl something earlier, and at this very moment she responds; but the next lines refer to her actions being in the past tense. I would make sure all verbs are in the tense they're supposed to be in. Also, people like me who know nothing of pot, cigarettes, or guns may not get some of your references, like a "Zippo," or "Natties." From what was written after the mention of "Zippo," I'm guessing it might be a lighter or something, but I'm not sure. You could add some more description to make these references clear to everyone, if you want to. Then again, anyone who doesn't know what that stuff is can just google it, right? I don't get why the girl's "cartridge and bone crunch in her skull." Is he shooting her here? I googled cartridge and it said something about bullets, but I still can't get a complete mental picture of what's going on in this scene. Did the guy end up burning the girl in her own house? I would have liked to have read something that indicates that her body is in the house, and that the house is what is being burnt. Lastly, is the last paragraph the conversation that he and his girlfriend have before the whole gagging and shooting event? I think that can be indicated somehow. Awesome, work! I tried my best to think of a title. Maybe these will give you ideas for something of your own. Or you can use one of these if you like, and I won't ask for any royalties.
Eskimo Kiss
Your House, Not Mine
Need a Light?
Over? Oh, I'll tell you when it's over
Black Mamba
The Last Thing I'll Ever Light
Gagged and Lit
Thank you Kacie, I see exactly what you are saying about the verb tenses causing confusion. All of your suggestions are very helpful and I will attempt to incorporate them in my final draft. "Cartridge" should actually read "cartilage" to refer to the connective tissue that the nose is mostly made of. I have spell check and too much alcohol to thank for that typo! I absolutely love and appreciate the title suggestions, I'm thinking of "Eskimo Kisses".
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